By Mac Hart

Southbury, CT - The janitorial staff at Pomperaug Regional High School has been receiving praise from the students who used to walk the halls they cleaned so often. Just recently, a PHS custodian pitched his invention to the school and state administration. Joe James, the janitor, has organized and fabricated a vehicle that roams the halls driverless searching for students weary of walking to their classes. Mr. James even added a little bit of his custodian side; while driving, the vehicle also washes, scrubs and dries the floors that it drives on, increasing the effectiveness of his vehicle double fold.

Mr. James received his inspiration while cleaning the halls, manually, on his low speed buffer vehicle. “I was driving down the hall and I saw this girl sprinting down the hall. I yelled at her to slow down, ‘cuz you know I just buffed the floor; it was slippery. After I screamed at her she looked really angry ‘cuz now she was gonna be late. So being the nice guy I am, I offer her a ride on my machine. She accepts and we get to her class with 30 seconds to spare. Then it hit me…why not have little cars that drove kids to their classes…then no one would be late! Then I realized I left the buffer on while I was driving her and I turned around, expecting to see a half-done job. But what do you know? There was a sparkling linoleum floor! Then it hit me again: why not put buffers on the kids’ vehicles, the floors would be sparkling every single second of every single day! Man, I’m a genius…”

Students, teachers and parents alike have been ecstatic at the new mode of transportation strategically roving through the halls. Marcheur Paresseux took a break from her busy television-watching schedule to express her delight with the new vehicles. “Oh la la, my beeeloved children! Now dhey do not avve to be late to their classes. Eeef only my iiigh school had dhees back in France!”

Unfortunately, Mr. James was not available for comment on his scheduled interview date. He informed me that his couch needed to be “broken in”. Thus I was left with an interview with one of the school’s physical education teacher. Wishing to be unnamed, he shared his opinion on the facilitated transportation. “With every passing day, the rate of obesity and exercising in our state’s students is falling below recommended standards. With the introduction of a transportation system that takes, quite possibly the only portion of exercise for some kids—walking from class to class—out of their daily routine, Mr. James is diminishing our children’s health. When I look at the driver-less machines my heart breaks a little bit for I know I may be out of a job some day.”

Later that day Mr. James was happy to inform me (from his cellular phone while sitting on his couch) that his vehicles, now nicknamed Brain Washer, leaves the students refreshed and with more energy for P.E. rather than increasing their laziness. He then told me that with the money he will profit from Brain Washer, he is going to buy a Segway.