By Rachel Didsbury

At around 5:45am, the population of Pomperaug High school rolls out of bed to drag themselves to school. With their eyelids drooping dangerously as they get ready for the day, they think to themselves, “How will I ever be able to stay awake through history or math?” Then the answer to their problem hits them: Starbucks. When a hearty breakfast of cereal and orange juice just isn’t enough, students all over the country find themselves carpooling with other overly tired teens to Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts. What used to be a drink for hard working adults has turned into an amazing new fad for lazy teens. But how on earth did this sudden need for coffee spark to such incredible heights within the past decade?

Scientists now believe that there may be a logical but shocking reason. According to one source at a secret government lab, who asked not to be named, the main ingredient in coffee, caffeine, is the most likely cause of the addiction to coffee beverages. “Theories are still being tested in regards to how serious the issue is,” he claims, “but the outcome does not look promising.” One of the theories he mentions is the connection between caffeine and the brain. (Research at the same facility, reportedly located underground somewhere in North Dakota, may point to nicotine as a factor in cigarette addition.) When asked about his opinion on the research, a teenager we interviewed outside a caffeine rehab center said, “I’m not surprised, when I don’t get my chai tea latte in the morning, a part of me dies inside.” Although he admits that this statement was a bit over dramatic, at least he is aware that he has a problem. Another student I talked to claims that the whole thing was just a conspiracy to “ruin our lives” and that she could go an entire school day without her mocha frappuccino. But seeing that she couldn’t even manage to throw away her drink into the garbage, it is clear that the dependency that these teens have developed for coffee beverages has become a growing concern for the wellbeing of all teens living in this decade.

So what do the authority figures of the nation plan to do about this problem? I talked to the superintendent from Region X and he says that he plans to talk to his Board of Education to take action against the growing addiction to caffeine. “I think I want to go ahead with the idea of a caffeine rehab for schools across the nation,” says the principal, “I’m just concerned about the health of my students.” Despite the negative affect that this has on the current generation of teens, the creators of Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts are not complaining about the increasing business. Since the beginning of the decade, coffee sales have gone up by a gazillion percent for both companies. “This has been the biggest increase in business since we first started out,” claims Cheap Skate, a highly placed executive of Starbucks, “We felt that it was necessary to increase the price of our products so that our faithful employees wouldn’t quit for being underpaid.”

I suppose it’s inevitable that the coffee industry will continue to grow as long as teenagers still need to feel awake during the day and spread the coffee addiction to their fellow students. It could be years before enough rehab centers are finally built and running but that doesn’t mean that we as a community couldn’t do other things to help the young adults come clean. There are small support groups in various school districts and parents of addicted children could try and get the teens into other, healthier habits. Together, we can fight this epidemic and help the youth of America see the error of their ways and steer them away from the harmful effects of early exposure to caffeine.