By Toby Amodeo

Something has to be done about Star Wars in 3D. First off, it’s totally out of order. The original Star Wars, for those who don’t know (or read roman numerals, [really George Lucas, you made these movies in the 20^th century]), was episode four. The title was A New Hope, signifying the hope promised by the Skywalkers in the fight against the Empire. But unfortunately, the new 3D version of The Phantom Menace promises to bring no such hope. In going out of George Lucas’-sanctioned order, the filmmakers have ruined the long established, confusing chronology. A true fan won’t give this film the time of day until episode four is released (again.)

Here is my second problem with the 3D version. Star Wars already has a complex enough backstory and plotline. The last thing the audience needs is a Gungan drooling right in their popcorn. The original was fine, leave it alone. And keep the Gungans on the screen. Apparently, the film industry is fresh out of new ideas, turning to rehashing the movies we love into three dimensional flops. But hey, they did that with Avatar, and that worked okay, right? Nothing like a futuristic Pocahontas to open your minds to Pandora (gee, I wonder why they called it Pandora. Couldn’t be a reference to Pandora’s Box and the troubles that unleashed.) And that brings me to my third point.

If Star Wars is rereleased, the timeframe will be forever destroyed. The movie took place a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. Somehow, technology advanced to millennia beyond ours a long time ago, but never changed in the decades encompassed by the movie. But now, a third dimension added, the movie still occurs a long time ago, but when? If the movie flops (when the movie flops), no others will be rereleased in 3D. That means that it will occur after the Return of the Jedi (episode six) to us, but before the clone wars begin in episode two. The already confusing saga is simply made more confusing. Sounds a lot like any physics class really. When it’s just x and y (or i and j) you’re okay. As soon as you add that third dimension however, say goodbye to success. And unfortunately, that is what is about to happen to one of the best movies of all time. I can only feel bad for John Williams. That’s a terrible 80^th birthday present for the most acclaimed movie composer of our time.